Just five more days left for me to be a normal person. Three more days to go to work before I go on an extended sick leave.
Next week this time I will be in ICU, with tubes all over and missing body parts. I just hope I didn't make a terrible mistake. It seemed like the right decision at the time, and maybe it was the only way to keep from dying of this damned bladder cancer. I have had so many friends die of different cancers and they didn't have a chance like I seem to have. I just hope the cure isn't worse than the disease.
I do have a good doctor and I guess I really do have to hope that he will do a successful operation (leaving me cancer free and with a life after surgery) and that I will be in the small group of men for whom bladder removal surgery has worked. Friday I meet with the doctor/nurse who will explain about the alternate surgery option if the doctor can't use my urethra, and I think I rather be dead than have a pee tube sticking out of my stomach. Freakdom doesn't appeal to me.
Sometimes I have serenity and courage and am ready to face this terrible surgery and other days I just want to run somewhere and hide - but where? I will keep working on this blog but there probably won't be any entries for a long time after Monday, Jan. 14th.
One thing I am sure about though. I won't drink. Despite all that has gone on with this terrible cancer and what might happen next week, I am still grateful for my sobriety. A long time ago I decided that if life never got any better, that I would still keep and cherish my sobriety. That hasn't changed.
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2 comments:
Whatcha mean normal? YOU were normal? Seriously Sheridan, you are my role model. I remember how you went into the program and how I was inspired by you to join. If it weren't for you, I probably would still be a prisoner of my addiction. Thank you my friend, because as you go through these difficult days, you continue to inspire and THAT is doing God's work. I have seen how you care so much when others are down or ill and the Man upstairs takes care of people like you. We have a saying in Spanish that I am sure Tony knows: "God squeezes but not to the point of choking" so He's just giving you a little squeeze. It's hurting you a little bit because he's giving you a BEAR hug! Love ya!
Keep your spiritual tools alive and what you just said...some real stuff here and a point of holding onto a glorious Higher Power as you understand Him. A "leap of faith" it seems in this. You are ahead of where Bill W was in 1964 in one way > you have stopped smoking 4.5 years. He smoked all the way to end...and had to have an oxygen pump at that time. I'll see you at the "pigs" meeting and this such a meditation/prayer type situation...
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