Closer and Closer

The dreaded surgery date gets closer and closer. However, we still continue to make merry with the time left. The above photo is at Ports of Call in San Pedro yesterday where we shopped, ate fresh fish and scallops, and had a great time.

Hard(ly) At Work

This is me hard at work this week. Did I tell you that when I was a kid were were very poor. We were so poor that I had three sisters and they were all named Sheridan. We could only afford one name.

Well, in less than 16 days I go into the hospital. Today I talked with a guy who went through the surgery 5 years ago! He seemed OK, so maybe I will be too.

I was thinking today that God gave me the gift of life 68 years ago, and then gave me a new gift of life 32 years ago when I joined AA, and on Jan. 15 God gives me another new gift of life with the surgery. I guess I had to deal with the first two gifts of life, and now I have to deal with a new and different one next year.

Less than 19 days to go

Including today, there are only 19 days until I go into the hospital and into the start of my new life. I spoke with one lady who had the surgery and is doing OK, and emailed with one guy who is doing OK, but still waiting for a couple others who said they would contact me.

Either way I am committed.

LAS VEGAS HERE I AM!

LAS VEGAS TRIP

Off to Las Vegas

This morning we are off to Las Vegas to feed the poor starving slot machines and visit an AA friend. Last night spent at a nice party with friends at CNN with good food and good conversation.

I am thinking that maybe I will do with the up coming surgery as I did with my first surgery. I sent money to several needle exchanges for them to buy the syringes, so someone else might be saved from HIV/AIDS and live, should I not live through the surgery.

Surgery Date set

Monday night my doctor called and answered most of my questions, and I guess I made the right decision about the surgery.

He said I will go into the hospital Jan. 14th and have the surgery Jan. 15th (a Tuesday). I am not looking forward to the surgery or finding out what my life might be after the surgery, but I have a little of peace of mind knowing that things are set. Now all I have to do is show up (I would say suit up and show up but actually it is more like be naked and have a doctor cut into me with knives). Before the surgery date I will donate blood for myself over at Kaiser Hospital, in case it is needed, as a safety issue.

Now I am going to make the most of the rest of my time. Will go to Las Vegas this weekend and later Disneyland's California Adventure, and other stuff.

Frustrating day

Today after waiting since last Tuesday for a surgery appointment date from my doctor, I called the nurse and she knew nothing about the surgery. She told me to call the hospital scheduler and she knew nothing about the surgery. So I left a voice mail and email for my doctor.

I have to fight to have a surgery I need, but really don't want. How depressing is that. I walked several blocks over to an Office Depot store and got three picture frames. I will frame some pictures I took of my sisters and me, and give them to my sisters for Christmas.

(Note: No animals or humans were hurt during my walk to the store, purchase of the frames, or walk back to my office.)

Waiting waiting

Well, the nurse was supposed to call Wednesday with the surgery date and here it is Friday and almost time to go home and still no call. Still with unanswered questions and still with no way to make plans for the future.

Grrr.

Truths Children learn

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under your white shorts.


Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.


Never ask your three year old brother to hold a tomato.

Great truths about getting old

When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Time can be a great healer, but it is a lousy beautician.

Forget the health food - I need all the preservatives I can get.

Decision made - Right or Wrong?

When I met with my doctor Nov. 19, he said he would arrange a cystoscopy exam and later a biopsy surgery for January to see the results of the BCG treatments.

Since I will need the surgery no matter what the next exam might show, yesterday I called and emailed my doctor, and asked him to go right to the surgery and just it over and done with. That might have been a big mistake but I can't see going through two more ordeals only to have to do the surgery anyway. I just hope I will get through the whole thing OK, and with my doctor I do have hope.

Oncologist appointment

Monday, Nov. 19 I met with my oncologist with a list of questions and things seem to be about as bad as they can get.

The cancer is spreading in my bladder and the BCG that I was having for the last 6 Fridays probably has only a 30 per cent chance of working and then only temporarily. The bottom line is that sometime in either January or February I will most likely go through that terrible bladder removal surgery. If the surgery is succesful I might be able to get back to sort of a normal life after a fairly long period of time, and I have a very good doctor. I guess I will try to work with that thought and be as positive as I can muster. If it turns out badly, I will have a terrible life, but still be alive.

One good thing is that removal of the bladder, prostate, et al, is that the cancer is completely gone and I only have to be checked every year or so. The "cure" rate is 80 to 90%, cause the whole bladder is removed - there ain't nothing left to have cancer.

I am beginning to accept the above (it has been only 3 days since my meeting with my doctor), although I am still depressed and fearful, expressed in a lot of anger.

More later.

Things that children have learned

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

More Things

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Change is inevitable, except for vending machines.


I always try to be modest, and proud of it!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.


I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.


Inside every old person is a young person wondering "What happened?"

Five down and one to go

The nurse said the BCG started working within 24 hours of the first treatment, so now that nasty cancer has been bombarded 5 times. I hope the treatment is working.

I want to be able to see my doctor on Nov. 20th, and hope for the best, and be ready to deal with the best and the worst.

Thoughts

A Day Without Sunshine is Like ......Night.


The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

Four down and Two more to go

Today I had the fourth of six BCG treatments and no side effects, but hoping there is a lot of effect on the cancer! I am hoping and praying that this will work and I won't have to face the major bladder removal surgery.

Tuesday after I got back from seeing the therapist, my doctor's office called and canceled my 4:15 pm Nov. 20th appointment and, of course, I thought the worst - that he had bad news and didn't want to tell me before the holidays. The next day his office called and changed the appointment to 6 pm on Nov. 2o.

I really don't want to find out what is next and I do want to know. Very mixed feelings. I want to ask my doctor questions and then hold my hands over my ears so I can't hear him. lol

Last week I found out that the young son of a friend at work is in critical condition at a hospital, and I feel so sorry for my friend and his 20 year old son. I think that children with serious illness is one of the sadest things. At least I had a long life before cancer entered my life, over 25 years without even seeing a doctor.

Following advise

Last Tuesday the Bladder Cancer support group moderator/therapist suggested I make an appointment at Kaiser hospital psychiatry department to talk with someone, and this Tuesday I went in (took a floating holiday) and met with with a therapist (she will make an appointment with a psychiatrist for a Monday when it is my day off). She said I was doing the right things to deal with this - going to support groups, and meeting with my doctor.

Doctor's appointment Nov. 20th

I finally heard from my doctor. I have an appointment Nov. 20th four days after my last BCG treatment, for him to answer my questions. He won't know the results of the BCG for a while but I will at least get an idea of my chances of it working. It will be strange - I may find out how I will be living the rest of my life on that day, less than a month away.

I am not sure I really want to know that but I guess I need to know.

I hope this works

I had the second BCG treatment on Friday and I hope and pray that it is working. I go to a bladder cancer support group on Tuesday and will try to get up the nerve to ask questions. Meanwhile meetings meetings meetings.

If you really know something, you don't have to tell anyone.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

One down five to go

One BCG treatment down and five to go. No side effects of the treatment but I hope the cancer has lots of side effects. Die cancer die. I really hope the treatment works this time, since this is probably the last chance before the major surgery. At least the surgery, if I have it, will be after the first of the year and I will have sick time again.

Meanwhile, I plan to enjoy life and do a bunch of stuff while I still can.

Heard at an AA meeting tonight

Amazing, beautiful, wonderful things have happened for me in sobriety.

Had a great Accessible City Expo yesterday

Yesterday was a great day. The Expo at the Convention Center was a great success. We had 5 HIV testing vehicles instead of 4 and they seemed to be busy for most of the day. We had a wide mixture of caucasian, latino and African Americans, as well as people with disabilities who are often left out.

I gave out 100s of condoms - to young people and old people. Hopefully they will used them and and not join the ranks of those living with HIV/AIDS. It is a good feeling to know you may have helped someone to a more healthy life.

At end of day I was tired but had a sense of accomplishment - I did it; I organized it and set it up. Maybe this will be my last year to do this and I wanted to go it right. It also got my mind off cancer for a while.

Expo is tomorrow

The Expo I have been working on is tomorrow and I hope it is a success. A lot of last minute details today - so much work again that I didn't have time to feel sorry for myself.

Wrote a long letter to my doctor with a bunch of questions. I am still hopeful that the treatment which starts Friday works.

Drive

Friday I had to go to the hospital to give a urine sample, a week before my first treatment next Friday.

I told a co-worker that I donated to a "pee drive" as my civic duty. I said that the pee drive isn't as well publicized as the blood drive but just as important. lol

Chips

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

The morning after

Got to an AA meeting last night and talked with a friend who had gone through things like this. I got a lot of support and think I will get through what I have to. I still have high hopes for the BCG and those treatments. I will have to wait several weeks to see if the treatments work and by that time I should be into next year. I will have more sick time then, and be nearing another year counted toward retirement income.

Meanwhile I intend to live my life to the fullest.

I still wish I could go to Dr. Marcus Wellby (the tv doc). All of his patients recovered completely and never had to come back and never had serious treatments.

Oh Well.

Well I finally got the biopsy results and they weren't good

I finally got the biopsy results and the cancer #2 is back and may be spreading in the bladder and nearing the prostate. So, back to BCG/Inteferon treatments (6) starting Oct. 12th and then see what happens.

The spector of bladder removal surgery again looms. Since I have been attending a bladder cancer support group at Norris Cancer Hospital, I am only in minor terror rather than major terror.

Life in the 1500s - Part 3

Life in the 1500s - Part 3

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw piled high with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats, dogs and other small animals lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall out of the roof.

Hence the saying - "It's raining cats and dogs."

Still waiting for results

Called my doctor yesterday and again today to find out biopsy results but as yet no call back. I am pretty optomistic though, so it isn't like waiting for some really bad news.

My work on the Expo started to get productive. I kept thinking everything fell apart in the week I was gone but several things are coming together. I had to make a couple calls/emails but then they committed for incentives, flyer distribution, etc. I guess I can feel like my work was a success.

Best Laid Plans

Well, the best laid plans.... I had planned to go back to work Thursday but I was too sore and ditto on Friday. I really did want to get in to do some work that needed doing and might otherwise not get done but I was told in no uncertain language to DON'T GO.

Way back when I was drinking, I took any opportunity to "miss" work no matter what I was doing. What a change.

The doctor didn't call today with the biopsy results so I have to wait until Monday but I am optomistic. In all honesty, I must admit that I am also cranky and that is not a pretty picture.

Got through yesterday. Doctor says the kidneys are ok and I will have the results of bladder biopsy Friday or Monday. It may be an infection and not a return of the cancer.

After surgery I had a splitting headache and it lasted well into the night. Also it was like peeing molten lava, but the vicadin helped that.

I am hoping for some good news Friday. I am happy I have a doctor who cares and doesn't take chances with my health and my life.

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day. I check in at the hospital at 6 am and have surgery at 8:30 am. At least I won't have much time to think about it tomorrow, or miss my morning tea. I can't have anything to eat or drink after midnight tonite.

Rap CDs

Enjoying my new Rap CDs - 50 cent - Curtis; Kanye West -Graduation, and Chamillionaire - Ultimate Victory. I finally used the iTunes Store credits from last Christmas.

Walked along the Los Angeles River for my 45 minute daily walk. Saw an old abandoned car partially in the water and partially on land. Also saw some sort of upside down boat. Later saw two sort of strange looking guys in beards on bicycles looking down on the car. I wondered if that was their home.

Deeper

I wonder how much deep the oceans would be without sponges?

Life in the 1500's part 2

In the 1500's most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Life in the 1500's

In the 1500's baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the sons, then the women and then the children. Last of all was the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."

Criticize

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

Working working working

Keeping busy working on Accessible City Expo and some things seem to be getting done slowly. Maybe I should set up some sort of schedule to see what I have accomplished and what is left to do.

Just a couple things would make a big difference, such as getting celeb to endorse HIV testing program and to get some more incentives. At least we have 10 free lunches from a fast food company, so that is a start.

I am trying to keep my mind off of next week but that is hard. I really should do something this weekend but don't know what.

Surgery date set

Tuesday, Sept. 25 set for the biopsy surgery. Monday I have to go to the hospital and talk to people I will probably never see again. First you have to see an anesthesialogist (sp?) and give and get a whole bunch of information, none of which is recorded anywhere apparently. When you go into the operating prep room you meet the REAL anesthesialogist who knows nothing of the first person or what they said or asked.

On Monday I also will see a urologist whose prime function seems to be to collect the $10 fee for talking to a doctor. Usually he knows nothing of my case and it is a lucky thing if he can pronounce my name correctly.

Oh, well, that is over a week away. Meanwhile I have to do something this weekend to get my mind off the whole thing. Maybe get the new Kanye West and 50 Cent CDs that came out Tuesday.

SHERIDAN

Perspective

Some times it is hard to get perspective on something when you are going through it - like dealing with cancer. But perspective is what makess things more liveable and workable, and also inserts a little reality. Reality, we sometimes don't realize, isn't always a bad thing.

Pavarotti had pancreatic cancer, one of the worst, and he managed to survive only about a year. I, however, have survived for more than three years and many more years likely. Also he had pain and I have not had pain, except during treatment or right after surgery.

In the New York Times yesterday and today there were articles on the lack of morphine to deal with pain in Sierra Leone and in India. The only time I had real pain was right after surgery and they gave me a shot of morphine with no problem.

I guess what I am really saying is that I have a lot to be grateful for. Things could be better and things could be worse, but that is life. For sure if I hadn't stopped drinking over 32 years ago I wouldn't be dealing with cancer, cause I would have been dead long ago.

Yesterday I talked with a friend of mine who is also dealing with cancer and it was an amazing conversation. Here were two sober AA members talking (meaning we were still alive) and being positive (what ever happened to the "poor me" syndrone), and enjoying life. Wow.

Not the best news

Today the weather got better - not as hot as the last couple days. Yesterday it was so hot that I was so sweaty that I kept slipping out of my chair and landing on the floor. I was working a crossword puzzle and had to put a piece of plastic on top to keep it from being soaked with dripping sweat.

The oncology visit today wasn't so great. I had hoped to be put on a six-month schedule for the cystoscopy exam, but my doc. saw something and now I will have to have a biopsy surgery in three weeks or so. I also have to see if my kidneys have decided to get in on the bladder cancer act. (He said there was only 2% chance of this happening, so I guess that is good).

Well, this is just more of the ongoing saga. I did lose three people recently to cancer: Ferd Eggan, one of my heroes who was active in AIDS prevention; Ellen (aka Puppy) who kept a wonderful sense of humor and a zest for life all the way to the end: and Ken, a kindly gentle man, an artist, and an over all good person. I really don't want to join them, but I couldn't find better people to join.

I am still M L COOL S, the oldest living Rapper.

Hot Day in L.A.

Hot day today in Los Angeles, but didn't stop us from going to the African Marketplace. Lots of people there and lots of things to buy. Had the greatest mango juice drink that helped beat the heat. Also had a watermellon juice drink but the pulp clogged up the straw. Both were just juice and some water to make it liquid and not completely pulpy.

For lunch I had a po boy catfish sandwich and was it ever great. Also got a nice picture of Bob Marley.

Strange long weekend

This will be a strange long weekend - some good and some bad.

Saturday should be good with a trip to the African Marketplace in South Los Angeles with the smell of cooking catfish and red snapper, and the sound of music. Then, if the heat doesn't get me, on Sunday morning it is AA meeting time.

Monday is Labor Day and I won't labor but instead maybe eat some barbecue. But then Tuesday rears its ugly head, with an oncology appointment and hopefully good news. Then Wednesday to recover, and back to work on Thursday.

Hope y'all have a more consistantly good holiday.

This could be the start of something big

This is the first message of many.